Failing to Admit
by Silver Fire Vampyre
Summary: Edward is too stubborn and he refuses to change Bella into a vampire out of fear for her soul. He lets her die, but as you people know this can't be the end. What is destined to happen? Who will the Cullens meet in their story?
1. Done For

**A/N; Hey people. I'm so sorry about my other stories. I know that I need to get them going again. The thing is that I already had the next chapters written up but my flashdrive got stepped on and all of my chapters are now lost. I have to rewrite everything. Again, I'm soooo sorry. I hope you'll forgive me. For now here is a story that has been stirring in the back of my head lately and the voices won't shut up. I hope you like it. **

Failing to Admit

Chapter one

Edward's POV

I was stubborn, could this really be the right choice for everyone. Bella didn't seem to think so. Perhaps she was right. Maybe I was wrong. It's just that I couldn't think of another solution. If I changed her then I would ruin her soul forever. There was no way in Hell that I was going to risk that. Her soul was too precious, too pure, to even come close to ruining, but either way I wasn't going to take the chance.

Because I wasn't willing to risk it I could feel my heart cracking at this moment. It was ripping apart at the seams and coming apart. Unable to beat but able to feel. It was unbearable. It swelled as a monster tried to escape. The monster was going to give immortality to Bella. It was going to ruin everything I had been working for all of these years.

It had been about 70 years since I first met Bella. I knew that she was somewhat disgusted with herself. It was unfair that I could just show her how beautiful she was in my eyes. I couldn't fathom how she saw herself as common. She wouldn't hesitate to tell me that I was a beautiful creature, but how could she miss the she, herself, was the most exquisite thing in the known universe. She always told me that I was melodramatic, and yet she ignored the fact that for years, men chased after her. Always trailing long, I was at the back of the crowds, a silent protector that would take no greater pleasure than to rip all of their heads of in less than five seconds.

Of course Bella would never allow it.

To the females of her species the only thing that lured them to me was my beauty. Even now, seventy years later, all that they saw was the beauty that immortality had given me. I saw a monster, they saw an angel. I saw horror, they saw beauty. I saw blood, they saw…nothing. They saw absolutely nothing. They couldn't look past they surgically transformed noses long enough to get the real picture. I was dangerous.

In the beginning she had been furious, she still was- there was no denying that. She was upset and hurt that I wouldn't change her. She didn't understand why I wouldn't give her the immortality that she so desperately craved. She wouldn't. She didn't now of the sacrifices that Rose and Alice went through everyday. It was always shopping with Alice, and with Rosalie it was her vanity. Both were things that kept the pain away. Esme had the "children", us, those she had taken care of for so many years. It was their way of blocking out the pain, the pain of not being able to conceive children. The pain that ate away at Esme, the pain that Alice ignored. The pain that Rosalie tried to block out but couldn't.

Everyday I had to hear that pain, and everyday, I would feel guilty for ever thinking of taking that chance away from Bella. That was my reasoning for this day.

Seventy years, five months, and eighteen days. That was how long I had known Bella, and today I was going to let her go. Alice had warned me ahead of time. It was the only reason I was still sane, and that Bella was still human.

_~Flashback~_

_"Edward there is no denying the fact that you've given up." Alice had said. It was as if she was trying to kill me. _

_"Bella will die-soon." Her statement shocked me, and more than that I was horrified. I jumped up out of the seat I was sitting in. A feral snarl rose from my chest. _

_"No." I barked. This would not happen. I had only had a few decades with her. I should have realized sooner. Bella had changed physically, yes. But mentally, Bella was the same. Not that I could hear her mind. No. that privilege was kept from me. Unfortunately, time had passed and, to me, around Bella time didn't matter. _

_"It is happening before your very eyes," Alice stated, "everyday it becomes clear and it is almost certain at this point unless of course someone were to change that." Alice eyed me hopefully, but my look of disgust at her implication immediately wiped it off of her face. I couldn't bear the thought of Bella losing her soul to a blood-sucking demon. I wouldn't allow it. _

_"You only have five more years with her, Edward, if you are to be this stubborn; I hope you make the best of your allotted time." Alice was furious with me, of course. She viewed this as losing a sister and a friend. She couldn't see the desperate attempt I was making at trying to keep Bella's humanity intact. _

_It was then that the realization of her words hit me._

_"Years…five…until-NO!" My words came out half strangled. It was a good thing that Jasper never left Alice's side or it is very likely that I would have ripped her head off. He had to hold me back as I leapt. _

_"That's impossible Alice!" I shouted, frantically going over dates in my head. _

_"It certainly isn't. Bella has lasted longer than the average human today. Most only live until the age of seventy or eighty. She will live to be very nearly ninety." Alice stated calmly, as if the manner of deliverance made the news less mortifying. _

_"It has been decided. Make the most of these next few years, brother." Alice said, walking out of the room. _

_~End Flashback~_

From that day on I had spent every moment with Bella. I never left her side for the next five years. We couldn't be separated. Now she was 88 years old, and according to Alice's predictions, it was her dying day. I shivered as the thought ran through my mind. I didn't want this to be her fate, but I wouldn't damn her to an eternity as a monster, no matter how much she wanted it would never end out right.

I looked at her face now, as she lay on the bed in front of me. Her hands were pale and wrinkled. I never minded the fact that Bella had gotten old. She was the most pure being that had ever been known. There weren't enough words to describe her. The only problem was that by telling myself this I lost bit by bit of the little self control I had. It was the only thing that was keeping me from biting her at this very moment.

Well, that and the fact that I loved her.

All those years ago, when Alice had gotten her first vision, I was truly terrified of taking someone's life; she had been my own personal demon from hell. I was almost sure of it. Now I could only think of what an angel she was.

It was at that moment that she opened her eyes. You could tell that she was weak. She had been getting weaker for the past couple of months. Her body was giving out. There just wasn't enough in her system to keep her going. Humans weren't meant to go on forever, for what reason I can't imagine.

Her eyes peered straight into mine, with a depth that only she could achieve.

"Edward," she said in a whisper. She communicated everything to me, at that moment, that she could never say. She was about to leave me. I went closer to her. With the last breath that she could manage she mumbled to me, "It is meant to be, we will find a way."

With that her eyes closed and her chest stopped its slow movement upward, and came to a sudden halt.

It was then that I saw nothing.

* * *

**A/N; Yes, I know that it seems completely pointless to have Bella die, and yes, it actually happened- this is not a dream sequence for Edward. Anyways, it seriously does get better, you'll just have to trust me. =)**

**-Morgan Brooke  
**


	2. Burned

**A/N: alright people, put your pitchforks away. I know that you think this story sucks, but have you, by chance looked at the 2 main characters involved in this story? I didn't think so. Anyways, this is the next chapter and yes, it's reallllllly short, but trust me, I have good reason. **

Failing to Admit

Chapter 2

Edward's POV

When I came out of the darkness, there was nothing. My family would speak to me- no one else. Of course, in time blood lust became more controllable so we could speak to humans with almost as much ease as Carlisle by now. The only difference between me and the others was that they would speak. I hovered.

I couldn't get over the fact that I had let Bel- _her_ down. I had already thought of killing myself. Unfortunately, that wasn't going to work because I had already promised her that I wouldn't do anything that stupid.

"Besides," she told me, "Alice would have seen you going anyway." She always found it hilarious that Alice would thwart me when we were battling against each other. Her last words were the only thing that I ever thought of anymore. There was nothing she could do or say that would help. She could _do_ anything. She was gone and it was my entire fault.

Alice and the others constantly told me that I shouldn't dwell in the past. That was the only thing that they could say to me. They could exactly say, "Oh, stop belittling yourself, Edward, her death- it wasn't your fault." No, they would never say that to me, because the truth that we all knew was that _her _dying was completely my fault and that I had gotten myself into this mess. Had I not fallen in love with her she would have never become attached to me, nor I to her.

If I could have just controlled myself, everything would have been exactly the same as always. I couldn't change the past. I couldn't go back in time and fix all of this. The stupid humans still couldn't get it through their thick heads that time travel was all but impossible. Even 85 years after I met _her_ they still believed that there was a way.

For the last seven years I had been dead to the world. For the last seven years thoughts of _her_ had run through my head constantly. For the last seven years all I could feel was the burn of my internal faults.

For the last seven years I haven't been able to say her name.

* * *

**A/N: okay now for this chapter- please please please give me some reviews. Virtual cookies are sent in the mail!!! Seriously- I'm not afraid of holding chapters hostage. **

-Morgan Brooke


	3. Burned Bella's POV

**A/N: Hola, my faithful readers! I'm glad that most of you have kept up with the story. Anyways, this is Bella's POV from the first Chapter. I hope you like it. **

=** For the last two chapters I forgot these, but everything but my story plot line belongs to Stephenie Meyer**, **and she has graciously allowed me to play around with them a bit. ( DISCLAIMERS ARE OVERRATTED!!!!)**

Failing to Admit

Chapter 3

Bella's POV

For the past seventy years I had waited. I was waiting for Edward to realize that I wasn't mad at him anymore. There was really no way to convince him that I was fine with dying- as long as he was there with me. It was ridiculous that he should torment himself with the thought that by not making me into a vampire I would place all the blame entirely on him. It wasn't what I wanted, and yes, I was incredibly disappointed, I may even go as far to say that I was furious with him at first. The thing was that in time I had gained wisdom, and even though I wanted something different than he did, I could respect his wishes.

I realized that I had changed in the last seventy years since I had first met Edward, but I believed that to be a good thing. With his help I had matured. Unfortunately with that maturity also came acceptance and understanding. Half of the time I felt like it was almost as if he was forcing me to forget and forgive, but I knew that wasn't the case. Now it was my dying day, and even in unconsciousness, I could sense that Edward was near me. With those seventy years also came a sense of connection. It was incredible that more time only made me more aware of him. I figured that as time went on; our love would either dissipate or fade.

Edward was with me through everything. I was glad most of the time and I learned to appreciate his presence instead of being irked by that fact that he would not change me.

Anyways, so as I was sleeping I could still feel his presence. I could even hear the sound of my lullaby playing in the back of my head. I was happy. I was content. This was my life and I had lived it to its fullest. I was glad that I had any years at all with Edward. Had he not come along who knows what my life could have ended up as? Maybe I would have married Mike Newton, or Eric Yorkie. I may never know. I could have asked Alice but I doubt she would have been able to see that.

I opened my eyes in the slightest, before pulling them open fully. It was a sad but true fact that I had gotten older. Unfortunately, I found that it is true that as you age you become weak. People say that you lose things- bits of time. I had never had that, and I thank my lucky stars that I didn't. Otherwise I would have lost what precious time I have with Edward.

I was more than aware that my senses were starting to give out. I hadn't lost anything though. I could tell that they were fading, but I just took that as another sign of aging. There was no stopping it so what was the point of using face-lifting cream or having Botox work done? There was really none. Edward still said that I was beautiful. I could tell that he was only saying that to make me feel better though. I was eighty-eight years old, for goodness sake! The only way someone would see me as beautiful was if they looked at one of my old pictures and told me something along those lines _in the past tense_. Even then it was stretching the truth. I was plain early on in life, and that plainness only amounted to becoming dull.

I wish that there was some way to reverse time, or at least to get more time with Edward. Was that really so much to ask? I still hadn't opened my eyes. Luckily, as I aged, Edward was still unable to hear any of the thoughts that passed through my head. I was glad that my thoughts remained private. Still, there were some points when I would love to be able to tell him something in my head. Such as the hundreds of times that Edward tried threatening men when I was about twenty-five years old. There was nothing remarkable about me and I yearned to tell him that when he contemplated beating them up. I could tell from the look in his eye when he became protective of me. But, really, there was nothing to protect. No one looked at me, even thought he insisted that they did. I was sure that he was just paranoid.

I went through some of these thoughts a couple of times a week, while several floated across my mind a few times a day. The most important question that haunted me was; _would he still love me when I was gone?_ I couldn't help but worry about what my death would do to him. No matter what happened, or wherever I went it would always affect me as well as him.

I had made him promise me that he would never try to kill himself. He had mentioned that if anything ever happened to me- he wouldn't hesitate to visit the Volturi. He had hinted at such things when we were in High School but I hadn't taken it seriously until later.

"Besides," I said, trying to lighten the mood, "Alice would have seen you going anyways." I had always tried joking with him about that particular serious subject, but it was to no avail. He seemed to like the fact that even if I died, somehow we, well he, would still find a way for us to be together. I thought it was ridiculous, and so finally he broke and promised me to stay with his family, no matter what happened to me.

I finally opened my eyes to see his beautifully topaz eyes staring straight at me. I had to focus on breathing. Even now, seventy years later, I was dazzled every time I looked at his beautiful face.

Thanks to Carlisle I was still in as good a condition as, oh say, a seventeen year old. Edward constantly worried that even in my good health I would find a way to hurt myself. It didn't help that I had never outgrown my clumsiness.

I could feel my body giving out and I knew that this was my time to go. I started to panic. I didn't want to leave! Not now, not ever! I wanted to stay with Edward.

I was afraid that Edward would see the emotion in my eyes, so I closed it off. I could see now that he knew too. I tried tell him that I loved him, but I could only get out was his name. He seemed to understand, he had moved closer. I could feel my lungs collapsing, this wasn't what I expected- I had expected to see a light or my life flashing before my eyes- all the old clichés. Nothing.

I couldn't breathe anymore. I knew what I had to do then, to ease his worries, to try to help him in anyway possible before I left. With the last breath I had saved I uttered the best thing I could think of- the most meaningful.

"If it is meant to be, we will find a way."

I knew then that I was gone.

* * *

**A/N: I know, I know it's a bit short and you want to know what's going on. Anyways, it will all be explained later. So one of my reviewers brought up an interesting question and that is- Did Bella die a virgin?. I would have to say no. I'm pretty sure that what happened was that in some twisted way they just decided to wait and then by chance use a condom or something. **

**It sounds stupid but if you have any other ideas PM me. **

**REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!**

**Sorry but you know I love em and I seriously need to know what you guys think. If you don't like it I'll stop writing.  
**


	4. Light of the Shadows

**A/N: hello my faithful readers. I hope you like this chapter and sorry I took so long to get it out. **

**Disclaimer: Yes, I realize I've forgotten these a lot. Let me say it again. DISCLAIMERS ARE OVERRATED. Anyways The twilight saga belongs to SM, but she has graciously allowed me to play around with her characters a bit. =)  
**

Failing to Admit

Chapter 4- Light of the Shadows

Bella's POV

I could feel my body, but only just. It was like I was flying on some strange type of buzz. There was no way to really describe it. I remember thinking that it was weird that I could be so detached from my body. I had never felt this way before, even the time when I had gotten drunk- on one of Edward's hunting weekends. I couldn't move- I was paralyzed. It was an odd thing to feel. I hoped that he would come save me soon. I mentally shook my head. I felt like I was getting all of my memories sucked out of me. I was forgetting little details. Who was he? Where was I right now? Why couldn't I feel anything anymore?

My head felt empty for a few moments. I mentally shook myself again; I only remembered the basic facts. It was then that I heard it. It was more like it was in my head but at the same time it was in the outside world, of wherever I was, as an echo.

"STOP!"

Torrents of information, knowledge and emotions came flooding back into my head all at once-

and I remembered.

I then fell into darkness for the second time.

* * *

I started to wake up and I felt bare, not in a bad way, I just felt lighter. I blocked my consciousness, because I could feel the pull of pain waiting for me. I wanted to enjoy this feeling for just a little bit longer. I didn't want it to pull away, but at that moment I felt a wispy tug, almost as if a hand were trying to pull on me with the smallest amount of strength possible. I snapped back into consciousness. Surprisingly there was no pain.

I tried swatting the tug away, but whatever it was didn't come into contact with me. I tried again, but yet again came up with nothing other than thin air. I finally decided that it was inevitable that I would have to get up, even though I didn't want to have to face whatever was waiting for me. It was then that I remembered that I had absolutely no idea where I was.

My eyes shot open. I assumed I had been asleep for a while and I was expecting harsh, bright lights. All I saw was soft wavelengths, like on a really cold day when you can see heat in the air. It was beautiful. Everything was a soft white color. Nothing seemed to be out of balance. I looked around me and I saw a person. He was sitting next to me observing me as I observed my surroundings. It would have usually been creepy to see someone staring at you, but I didn't feel like that. It felt comforting, like he was looking out for my well-being instead of him being a stalker. I watched him for a moment before trying to speak.

"Umm, hello?" It came out sounding like a question. I surprised myself again. I expected my voice to be hoarse from being contained for an immeasurable amount of time, but it was the same as ever.

"Hello. I am the Keeper." He replied. It was slightly unnerving that he was so calm.

"I'm Bella." I said, he chuckled lightly, seemingly amused by my small introduction.

"Oh, I know who you are. You're the heart that has been lost. One that has been lost for a very long time at that." He said. I was confused by what he said. What did he mean he was the keeper? And how was I a heart? None of this was making sense. I found that when I looked back to some memories, I could only remember up until my first days of being in Forks with Charlie. Everything else was a blur. It was frustrating because I knew that there was something else behind the wall that was keeping me out. There was some hidden memory that I didn't have access to. I pushed harder.

The Keeper looked at me and tilted his head.

"It won't work you know." He said, confidently. It was as if he knew what was going on in my head. By the oddness of this conversation, I wouldn't doubt it.

I looked back at him steadily, "What do you mean?" I asked with a hint of irritation.

"You won't be able to force the memory back into your head." He said in a calm tone. Well, there, I knew he read my mind. This was just getting weirder and weirder.

"In time, you'll be able to revisit those particular memories, but for now, I think that it would be easier for you to handle your life before the chaos." He said.

I was officially perplexed. I was about to start screaming at the top of my lungs like a mental person if I didn't get some answers right now.

"Where am I?" I couldn't get anything else out. That was the main thing that I needed to know right now.

"You, Bella, are at the gates. Heaven and Hell exist, in your own way. This is how you perceive it. This is what is here. In your mind you are closed off. Here, it is open." He was speaking in riddles and I wasn't quite sure if I got what he said.

"What do you mean heaven and hell? My mind isn't closed off," I said, trying to convince myself as well, "The only thing that is closed off is my memories, which you have yet to explain to me." I said. This was so frustrating! I couldn't get this guy to give me a straight answer.

"Follow me." He said. I got up, feeling extremely light. I followed him through the black gates that were behind us.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

* * *

For the next several years, the Keeper took care of me. He was more of an uncle or a father than anything else. Everything was explained to me. I had been a person on Earth. This place that I was in was neither Heaven nor Hell. It was a mix of the two. I was never punished, things didn't work that way. Here, I was just me. None of my past experiences were held against me, even though I could remember my past.

Keeper explained to me that I was a special case. He never explained why and I didn't learn why until my last year here, wherever here was.

I stayed here for seven years. I always had an ache. I didn't know why and Keeper would only tell me that it was part of my past and my "special case". Whenever I asked about it he would tell me that I would learn in due time. It seemed cruel, to me, that he kept part of my past from me. Then again, he was he only one with the power to do that, so I suppose he knew what he was doing.

Let me explain. Keeper was a very special person around here. He kept the memories. He often told me that it could be a burden if he didn't handle it correctly. When people 'died' they came to their own place. It looked different to everyone, with the exception of the black gates. Well, it looked different to everyone until they were cleaned.

When someone was cleaned their memories were swiped away. It was to renew a spirit, or that's what Keeper told me anyways. He was the person who cleaned a spirit. He took away the good and bad memories alike so that when the spirit was sent back for reincarnation, there would be no biased actions. I once asked him why I was never cleaned. He would only tell me that I was a special case.

I wanted to scream at him when he refused to tell me anything. I don't know why it was so important to me, I could just feel that my spirit, my soul, whatever was inside of me- perhaps it was my intuition- but something told me that it was the key to my entire being. I told the Keeper this once and all that he would say was that my spirit was stronger than he believed it to be. He told me that my memories were trying to break through to me, even though he held them.

During the seven years that I spent there, I could always count on Keeper. My subconscious knew that he was a God or some type of superior begin, but he treated me with respect as if I were on the same status level as him. I was honored, but he never acknowledged the fact that he was a God; therefore, I left the topic alone.

I didn't belong up here, I knew that. The only thing that held me here was Keeper and the fact that I didn't have a clue as to how I was supposed to get back to Charlie, to Forks. Apparently that was the only place that I would go. It was all that I knew of Earth or, at least, it was the only home that I knew. Renee had been my mother, I may have gone back to her, but whatever memory was being kept from me had all to do with Forks. The only problem in that full proof plan was that neither Charlie nor Renee was around anymore. They had gone to meet their black gates long before I had. I had nowhere to go.

It wasn't until my last year in Heaven/Hell that I finally learned of the memory that was kept from me, and what was awaiting me as soon as I was returned to Earth.

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* * *

It was three days before the end of my seventh year in Heaven/Hell and I was talking to Keeper. He suddenly stopped mid-sentence as we were talking about the new cleared souls that had just been sent of to Reincarnation.

"You are ready," he announced. I looked at him, stunned.

"Ready for what?" I asked as soon as I had regained my composure from his outburst.

"For your final memory." He told me. He seemed to be debating the matter as he spoke.

"_The_ final memory?" I had an idea of what he was talking about but I kept myself from being completely hopeful, in case it wasn't what I wanted to see.

"Yes the final memory. You are ready, I can feel it. This is the time when you can finally take seeing it." I didn't like the way he said "_seeing it"_ it made it sound as if there was something terribly wrong.

"Now the only question is, are _you_ ready to see it?" He asked me. I was excited. I nodded my head enthusiastically. There was no way that I was going to miss seeing this. It could possibly hold the key to my entire past and future.

He got up and led me to a sieve at the back of the black gate's entrance. It was a great round, rock bowl with hundreds of symbols and markings from all different times and places. Inside there were swirls of silver and blue floating around. Besides that it could have been a great black hole kept in a bowl. Even though there was nothing completely remarkable about it, it was captivating.

It was quiet and dark back here. It was the place I had grown to know as the knowledge room. It was where all pasts were kept. All of the knowledge of spirits that had been cleaned ended up in here. It was quite the place to be. The first time I had seen it, it had freaked me out. I didn't want to know what things other people had seen. It seemed rude to just go glancing at private things that other people had kept to themselves. Good and bad memories alike went into that sieve and I didn't want to be the person to see the bad.

Keeper lead me to the side of the sieve that had the marking _**20.78~**_. It was an odd marking that didn't really mean anything to me. In the earlier years Keeper had taught me how to read the sieve. According to the markings that he had lead me to, he was about to let me look into my memories from before and during November 2078. He had always told me that my life had ended eighty-eight years after my birth. Since I had been born in the year 1990 it would have been that year. I had no idea why he was showing me any of this but I was anxious to see whatever it was. If it had been seven years since my initial death, then this year was going to be 2085. I looked over to Keeper. He nodded to me, showing me that it was okay.

Slowly I dipped my right hand into the cool swirls of color. I could feel myself changing.

The shock of knowledge coming at me I invited. What I didn't expect was the pain that came along with it. While I was in Heaven/Hell there was no sense of time. I didn't feel old, I didn't feel young. I was just a being of knowledge. There was no distinguishable difference between years. Now I could feel that I was old. The memories sucked me in. I was 20, getting married to Edward. I was 35, letting Alice torture me with clothes, even though she looked like she could be my daughter. I was 46, being dragged to a birthday party that made me feel hopelessly lost among beautiful, eternally young people. I was 63, sitting at a chair looking at pictures of me and Edward at our high school prom. I was 74, letting Edward kiss me on the cheek and feeling incredibly awkward. I was 80, thinking about how I was too ugly to stay with Edward anyways.

I was reliving every part of my past from the year 2008 and up. Finally I reached 2078, I was old. Eighty-eight years old to be exact, and my perfect vampire husband was…not.

I could feel my breaths becoming shorter. I could feel my body shutting down. My time was running out and there was no way that I could stop it. I could see myself looking in a mirror, cursing the fact that I had to get old. At the back of the reflection I could see Edward looking at me. He was trying to hide his emotions but I could see the pain.

He was angry that he had to be with me. Angry that he had to stay until I died. He never wanted any part of me. There was disgust in the depths of his golden orbs. His eyes said it all. I should have died long ago. The most probable reason that he was still there was that Alice wanted to play dress up with me. I shuddered. I wanted to pull out of the memory but I was stuck there until the hidden memories were released.

Everything was clear now. Why I was here. Why I was a special case. Why nothing had made sense at first. And most importantly, why I had felt as if there was a piece of me missing since I got here.

It was apparent that I had loved Edward with all my heart and soul. But the one thing that was even clearer was that Edward didn't love me back in return. I had been hopelessly lost in my fantasies of having a perfect life. I hadn't looked past my plans to see that they were never going to happen.

The memory was over now. I pulled out. The memories had exhausted me and I really didn't want to face the reality that I had been begging to know about since I had gotten here. It seemed foolish that I had wanted to know now. I could have lived peacefully throughout the rest of my non-life without him ever crossing my mind, but I had to be a masochistic, idiotic, big-headed know-it-all, instead of choosing that life. Figures.

I turned my head to Keeper. He didn't say anything. I doubt that he knew that I was in agonizing pain right now. I had known him too long to let him see that. I kept my face blank and my tone pain-free.

"Well that was interesting," I murmured. He must have been hoping for a different reaction because his face fell, but he quickly composed his features.

"So what do you think about Earth," he asked in a nonchalant tone. I saw right through it. He was desperate to know something, and I had no idea what he wanted me to tell him.

"I think that it can be a cruel place," I hedged. That was the most that I could think of. What did he want me to say? Fate was harsh and evil? I was never going to spend another day in Heaven/Hell thinking about it? Both of those things had occurred to me but there was something in Keeper's gaze that kept me from saying it.

"It may be cruel, but at least love exists there." He said. He made it well know to me that he was sour about the fact that there was no love up here. There was only loss.

"_People lose memories of loved ones and comfort_," he told me, "_there's nothing to gain_."

"There may be love, but it's not really possible to find it, is it?" I spat out harshly. He tilted his head as if he were confused at my statement.

"What are you talking about, you just saw it with your own eyes, he loves you!" Keeper told me.

"Don't you understand!? That's not love- it's pity! He didn't love me, he only felt guilty about bringing me into danger. If he had loved me, he would have changed me! He would have done something rather than let me grow _old_ and _die_! He would have done anything to keep me! I know that's what _I_ would have done for _him_; I can even feel it now!" I shouted, trying to keep my temper under control, and failing miserably. Keeper sat still and silent.

"He loves you." Was all that he said. I was getting ready to shout at him some more, but then I stopped. I found no point in carrying on with this argument. I sighed.  
"Believe what you will, but I don't think you're completely right no matter what you say. It's ridiculous that he would have given me such hope only to dash it by being incredibly obtuse. I looked back at him- he had a weird expression. It was like he thought I was crazy.

­ The next day, Keeper told me that I would come to my senses eventually but I think he was just trying to convince me about something. He wanted me to look back at the memory and look closer, for what I have no idea. This time I didn't want to know. Every time that Keeper told me something new it seemed to have a burn to the back of it.

Keeper told me that I didn't have to do anything today. Not that I did anything rather than talk to him anyway. Either way, things seemed different. There was more of a weight on every single thing that he said. It was intimidating.

The third day after Keeper had shown me the memory; I was starting to get really anxious. Keeper didn't say much of anything. He stood still and quiet next to the sieve at the back of the black gates. He didn't say anything. Whenever he had to clear a spirit he did his work and kept quiet. I was worried that something was actually really wrong this time. I couldn't keep away the feeling that he was going to do something drastic.

All day I was on the receiving end of odd looks. He would look at me and his face would twist into a quick knowing smile.

The only and last thing that he had said to me was, "You shall see, your future includes your past. You have remembered everything and now you must put it to good use. Use what you know wisely and keep to yourself."

It was then that I saw darkness, thoughts of my past and future glowing before my eyes.

**A/N: SO I hope you liked this chapter and _PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE _give me some _reviews_. I seriously want to know what you guys think. Suggestion and constructive critism are welcome!**


	5. Waves of Eternal Pain

**A/N: okay so here's the next chapter. I'm sooooo sorry that it took a long time to get it out, but unfortunately I have an accelerated summer school program going on so updates aren't going to be as frequent as i hoped they would be. Anyways I plan on getting the next chapter out ASAP. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: It all belongs to SM  
**

Failing to Admit

Chapter 5

Edward's POV

It was September 12, 2085. My monotonous life was going nowhere. Everything was the same, nothing changed. It never did. Tomorrow was a day that I tried to block as much as possible. For the past seven years I had been trying to keep in as much pain as possible. Not that there was anyone to hide it from, but if I didn't hold it back then I couldn't function properly. I had hoped that in time I would get over it, but nothing got any easier. It was a terrible never-ending ache that constantly became more acute as time went on. I couldn't believe that nothing had changed. Seven. Seven years. She had been gone, but I can't help but get the feeling that something big is coming. I'm no Alice but I'm positive that this is a true feeling.

I couldn't tell if something bad was going to happen or not. Tomorrow. It was all going to happen tomorrow. I could only guess that something bad was going to happen. Nothing good could come of tomorrow. The date only reminded of me of something that I had gone out of my way to try and ignore. Everyday for the past seven years I had tied to no avail to keep the pain at bay, and everyday it just got worse. I passed from darkness into shadows and back again. Nothing ever changed, so, same as always, I dropped into a realm of darkness that I couldn't escape.

* * *

I came out of the darkness the next day, September 13, only to find that all hope of keeping the pain away was drowned. I felt like I was in a torture chamber. I could feel myself falling apart at the seams. I wanted to drown myself. Or shoot myself. At that point either one of the two would have been preferable over the agony that I was enduring right now. I couldn't help but wonder, for just a moment, why I was feeling this was. It was like I had swallowed burning fire. There was something familiar about it hovering at my consciousness but it seemed as if it was a foreboding memory. It was just there waiting for me to pick it up and being to burn all over again.

It was worse than facing my own personal demon- but I would chose this over letting Bella become a monster any day. No matter what the cost, it was worth saving her soul. I wouldn't be able to handle it if she was in pain because of me- because of my kind.

Still I'd never had this much of a physical response to he not being there. Or to her birthday. I couldn't understand why it hurt _so_ much.

My thought process wasn't cooling the pain. Nothing would and I knew it. There was nothing that would push away my guilt completely. I was going to be lost in this sea of loneliness for the rest of my never-ending existence. Every thought that they could relate, but they were dead wrong. Losing a mother, or even a past life had nothing on losing the one person that you were sure you would love forever. No, that would never be, and I had the split heart to prove it. Not only did I lose my heart but my head as well. It was ridiculous that I should lose everything because of a stupid thing that I couldn't take back. I would never get Bella back. I had realized this a few days after she was… gone.

There was nothing that I could do to bring her back. She was really and truly gone. There was no way that she would show up and hug me telling that she forgave me, like she had for all of my past mistakes. There was nothing anyone could do.

Nothing. Humans saw nothing and now, apparently, vampires missed all the important details.

Alice tried talking to me but everything she said went in one ear and out the other. I was hoping she wouldn't notice, but being Alice, of course she did.

"Edward," She spoke softly, as if I was going to shatter if she spoke above a whisper. It was quite possible that I would if she did. I could fell myself falling deep into a black pit. The bottom could only be filled with horrible shadows, or if it was meant to torture me then perhaps it was filled with the spirits of those who I had taken lives from.

"You have to go out and eat something," she had said a few weeks after _she_ had…gone. I had tried at first. I had gone out and captured a few deer and a bear. Not the best meal but I couldn't even taste it as it went down. I normally would have been sitting in my room staring at the Debussy album that _she _used to listen to. The only reason that I actually went out was because Alice had reminded me that _she_ had told me to not try to kill myself. I had to admit that by starving myself, I was making a poor attempt at suicide.

After that first trip I just stopped going because the blood wasn't doing anything to help me. It was draining me of the energy that I had. I gained energy from the blood and then I used it to get more blood that drained me of it yet again. It was a vicious cycle that I couldn't see myself stopping anytime soon.

I saw a hand flash in front of my vision. Sound came back to me and I found myself being shaking by a tiny person.

"HELLO EDWARD? YOU STILL THERE? EDWARD!" I shook my head.

"Calm down, Alice, there's no need to yell straight into my ear." I sighed.

"What are you talking about," she scowled at me.

"I'm saying that I'm not deaf, I can hear perfectly fine." I said in a bored tone. She looked at me as if I was crazy for a minute.

"Edward I was yelling at you for ten minutes straight before I started shaking you." She said in a depressed sort of tone. She sounded defeated, like there was no hope left. Come to think of it, this was the most animation she had shown since _she_ had passed. I was suddenly aware that Alice was speaking again.

"-I mean maybe you should get away from here." I had only heard the last part of her sentence, but we'd had this discussion enough times for me to know where this was heading.

"There is no way I'm going anywhere Alice, you know I have my reasons." I said in a firm tone.

"That may be so, but do you truly know what you're waiting for?" She said right before she twirled around and left.

Maybe Alice was right. Maybe burning was what I was waiting for. Maybe I deserved all of the pain. But there was absolutely no way that I was leaving Forks, just because of a bit of pain.

Memories may make me weak but perhaps the pain will make it bearable- make me stronger, and it's all because of the waves of eternal pain.

**A/N: okay so if you couldn't tell this was a filler chapter and as a quick reminder, September 13 is Bella's b-day. Alright so you know the drill, REVIEW!**


	6. Let the Cycle Begin

**A/N: Okay so I don't really have an excuse for why this chapter is being updated a month after the last. All I can say is that it's summer and I had 2 focus on family. Sorry **Insert sheepish grin**. I'll try to type faster.**

**So, for the munchkins out there who like it, don't like it, hate it, whatever- review for the sake of my 'close-to-dying' sanity. I don't think that I can take much more hate mail for this story. **

**Disclaimer: It's not mine! But the plot still is =) [wow that sounded bipolar]  
**

Failing to Admit

Chapter 6

Bella's POV

I woke up disoriented and completely exhausted. I remember feeling really warm and how my entire life came back to me in a rush. I was so confused. Was "final death" like that or was that just me? I suddenly remembered Keeper. Where was he?

I tried moving around for the first time since I woke up, only to find that I couldn't move…

I was wrapped in some sort of sheet…blanket…thing. I was a big bundle of clothe. I opened my eyes and everything seemed huge. Everything was extremely bright around me, too. I tried to yell, but all that came out was a gurgle. I looked up; there was a woman above me.

What the hell had happened to me!? Was this some kind of sick joke that Keeper was playing on me or had I just been transported to Giant Ville? I struggled to move again, and yet again was met with the cage of the woman's arms and the blanket. I started to panic.

What was going on? I couldn't speak; all I could do was gurgle and cry. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable or anything- I was either just seriously delusional or I was in the middle of a dream. I thought back to whatever I could remember that might help me. I thought about how Keeper had been giving me strange looks, but that was the only thing that stood out among the rest of my memories….

He wouldn't!

If Keeper had given me back my mortality- my life- he had messed with fate, but it was the only explanation to the odd situation that I now found myself in. It was the only way.

I had been reborn.

I looked back up to the woman above me. She must be my new mother. I could nearly feel her maternal instincts radiating off of her. There was no doubt that she was my new birth mother. She was absolutely glowing.

I knew that if I exposed myself that there would be hell to pay- literally. I could tell that my mental abilities were definitely beyond the norm of a day-old baby. The only thing that was restricting me from speaking was the fact that my vocal cords weren't all the way developed yet. Otherwise I was free to speak and act and think on my own.

I had to admit that it was a freedom that people rarely got and it felt good to know that I had it. Children didn't normally realize that they had more freedom than anyone else. They got to act and speak out without getting into trouble because they were still young and naïve. I wasn't going to be restricted. Not when I was young anyway.

I spent my days as a child being loved and cared for but at the same time it was the most difficult thing I ever had to do.

Growing up was easy because my new parents found me as a blessing and they were easy to love. They coddled me all the time. I think that they were relieved that they never really had to teach me potty training or how to take a shower on my own. They thought I was a genius- a child prodigy. I found it oddly annoying because as soon as people found out what a "remarkable child" I was, they started to pay attention and that wasn't something that I wanted. I had to keep a low profile. If anyone ever found out that I was…different, then I would be in big trouble. I had no idea what the people "up there" would do but I had a feeling that it wasn't anything good.

I found that as I became older- my toddler years- my senses sharpened. It was like everything was double as powerful as it normally would have been. It may sound delusional- but I felt like a newborn vampire without the bloodlust.

Maybe it was a figment of my imagination or maybe it was just long-forgotten hopes getting to me, but at some times, I seriously thought that I was a vampire. I could see a leaf's exact color from miles away- in the literal sense. I could hear a pin drop in a room full of hundreds of people. I could smell the scents of animals outside and pinpoint exactly where it was coming from and what it was coming from. I could taste every single spice and ingredient in the food I ate. I could feel the minerals in the earth when I pushed my toes into the sand. I could lift boulders the size of medium sized mammals. Of course, I never preformed stunts like those around my parents- I could have been struck down by lightening before anyone could find out what was going on, if I was exposed.

It was cruel that the world measured you by your age instead of by your mental progression. People always thought that when you're younger you're stupid, but that not true at all. Normally when children are young they have a tendency to think thing through logically- sometimes even more logically than older people. If it's something that they don't understand then, sure, they are going to seem like they don't know what they're doing but you would too if you had no clue what was going on. I had no freedom at in my young age because people thought that I couldn't handle the truth about certain things.

For example, my parents were trying for another child one night and the next morning, when I told them that I was scared for us because my walls were shaking and there was growling and moaning coming from their bedroom, my mother blushed a fire red and my father stuttered- telling me that there was no need to be worried. It was then that I realized what had actually been going on. I asked him if he knew what was wrong. I wanted to see if they would be truthful with me. He told me that the pipes in the walls needed to be checked out because the water pressure was up too high. I had to give it to him- it was the best excuse for sex I had heard yet.

I lived in Italy with my family. Unfortunately, if my memory served me correctly, I was sitting near the heart of a vampire haven. I could remember everything. Everything about my past and everything about my time up in the "heavens". It seemed unfair to me that I could remember all of that but that I couldn't do anything about it. I wanted to scream in frustration at all of the mistakes I had made, and everything that _he _did to me. I still couldn't even say his name. I was ashamed that I was so weak, but I was working on it.

Anyway, back to the fact that I lived in Italy. I had no idea if any of the Volturi's regular rules applied to me. When I was living my first life, they had no idea that I even existed, let alone my connection to 'their world'. Now that I was 'reborn', I didn't know if anything was the same. What if my scent was different? What if I didn't have my shield anymore? What if Aro could hear all of my thoughts or Jane and Alec could torture me to death now that it wasn't up? Was there anyway for me to survive, or would I be doomed to an overly cautious existence?

As I grew up I could tell that people around my age found me strange. They would look at me and think

'_Is she taking brain steroids or is she really that smart' _or '_my mom thinks she's mature but I bet she keeps a binky and a security blanket.'_

They always thought that I thought that I was better than them, but that wasn't the case at all. Deep down I knew that it was just in my nature to act mature and that I as just as confused as they were, only, my confusion was from a drastically different situation. I had already been through school so that came easy, but is getting over your first love, who rejected you, ever _easy_? Everyday I had to remember the fact that _he_ didn't love me, that at this moment he was probably off with Tanya or some other fantastic looking, model-like, vampire, and every single time I thought about it I wanted to desperately pour bleach on my brain and burn out the memories. Either that or I would end up killing myself and being Cleaned like a normal soul.

Surprisingly enough I looked a lot like my former self. My hair was still a boring, dull, chocolate brown color- same as my eyes. I was still slim and pale. My upper lip was still slightly out of balance with my lower lip. In other words- I was still as average as could be. If I didn't know any better I would think that I was an identical twin to my former self.

Most of my time was spent analyzing everything that Keeper had ever said to me. I remembered when he had said things that didn't make any sense and now suddenly they were perfectly clear. Such as the times he said that I would need to forgive people for the thing that they had done to hurt me in the past. I thought that may have pertained to Charlie and Renee. For them getting a divorce and making me choose between them. For making me ever think that there was chance that they might get back together. For throwing Phil into my life, when the last thing I needed was for someone to make my life even more confusing.

Or one of the other things that Keeper told me was that I should be open to love. I think that he was telling me that I should love the people that I meet in my new life. There was only one other thing that either statement could relate to and I didn't want to dwell on the possibility that he was coaching me for me to reunite with _his _family.

I could feel pain shot through my temples and I held my thumbs over them- trying to apply pressure. I knew that if he had lead me to believe that he loved me then _his_ family was in on it to. I had loved them. It was now painfully obvious that they had never reciprocated the feeling. It hurt to know that anyone was capable of taking someone's life so lightly. Especially if you thought that the person was you friend or even you're closest family. Did they think that it was courtesy that they stuck with me or was I just their play toy to observe and see how long I would last in their world? I supposed I would never know.

Today I turned 13. No longer a 'tween' but only beginning life as a teenager. It was a hard line to walk. I didn't get any acne, which seemed odd to me. Even in my first life I had gotten a little, even though I may as well have been scrubbing with a cement brick for the cloths I used. My skin as always pale and perfect. Again, I couldn't help but compare myself to a vampire. I tried to shake the thought. Today was _my_ day and I wasn't going to let any one disrupt my peace. I could hear my little brother downstairs as my mother tried to shush him.

"Can I lick the bowl? Oh please, oh please. PLEASE?" He was nearly shouting and I could picture my mom rolling her eyes at his antics. Antonio was born four years after me, and he was my mother's 'baby child'. She loved him to death and she babied him all the time. It was a miracle that he wasn't too spoiled. My father said that the only reason that he wasn't too whiny was that he picked up some of my maturity. I always blushed when he complimented me. I wanted to earn his approval. It must be something that programmed into children's genes.

"Antonio, quiet down, sweetheart. You'll wake you're sister." She hushed him in an adoring tone. Little did she know that I had been awake for hours. I hardly slept as it was. I didn't need to, but I had been awake from the moment that my father's snores had stopped and my mom had snuck down to the kitchen to start making my favorite breakfast. I could smell the vanilla and flour from the pancakes and the stench from the match that she had lit for the candle. I heard the clatter of sprinkles on the counter as Antonio added them to the top of the pancakes. I could have cried. I loved them all so much and they took care of me. Especially Antonio- he felt it was his duty to protect me from any evil lurking in the shadows. I found it adorable. He was so young, but he always found a way to con me into taking him places with me.

I studied my appearance in the mirror in front of me. It was boring, as always- the unshed tears in my eyes glistened. My skin looked like it was glowing because of the sun illuminating me from behind. Other than that, nothing particularly stood out. I sighed and walked over to my bed and closed my eyes in mock-sleep, waiting for the celebration to being.

* * *

Do you hate your siblings or do you love them?


	7. Embracing Pain

**A/N: I told you I'd type fast. =) 2 ch. in one day, phew. Well keep reading- what are you people doing, reading all of my rants? Are you crazy? Anyways, tell me what you think about Vittoria... and no- she has non connection to Victoria at all. The name is just Italian so I thought " what the heck- may as well use it." **

**Please Please Please with a cherry on top of a mint chocolate chip ice cream with whip cream, hot fudge, sprinkles and Reese's Peanut Butter cup chunks on top- Review **(try saying that in one breath lolz)

**Disclaimer: I really think it should be mine, but alas 'tis not. **sigh**  
**

Failing to Admit

Chapter 7

Bella's POV

(2 years later)

I sighed as I pushed my long hair over my shoulder and blew my bangs out of my eyes. Vittoria had invited me to a sleepover for her birthday and I had agreed. My mom thought that it was unhealthy for me to spend so much of my time alone. Vittoria's appearance was unorthodox, but that didn't seem to matter to my mother- so long as I wasn't holed up in my room. Vittoria had long black hair and dark tanned skin. I suppose that most people in Italy have those looks. I am the exception to that rule. Vittoria's wardrobe mainly consists of black tank tops and camouflage/ olive green Capri's. Occasionally she'll wear a pair of jeans but she says she keeps those for special events.

She normally wears dark makeup and she has at least six piercings on each ear. Her mom says that she has some major anger issues, but regardless of what she says, Vittoria is still a good person. She only speaks her mind if she feels like she has to and she doesn't need to speak to get her point across. Unlike other people, Vittoria understood that sometimes I just didn't feel like talking. She said that when people were weird it usually meant that there was something that people didn't understand about them- something that they didn't feel like knowing. She was right, as usual. I didn't even want to know about it and I was the epitome of the problem.

I was in High School now so it was easier to hide my secret, but it was not as easy to hide from people. Teenagers were always suspicious. They didn't like to be wrong about things and they loved to get into everyone else's business. I felt suffocated at school- like I couldn't have any privacy. I had some close calls when someone would start a rumor that I was seriously older than 15 and I had been taking A.D. [age decreasing] **(A/N:remember this takes place in the future. IDK what they'll have then...)** pills. It wasn't anywhere close to the truth but I was anxious that anyone would be at all close to what had actually happened.

Vittoria kept me sane even when she didn't know why I was acing insane. I appreciated that she was there. I would be forever in her debt. I didn't know why but I always felt like I had forever to go on.

After Vittoria and I became friends, a bunch of people got suspicious at how such a 'goody-goody' like me would fit in with a 'gothic/emo slut' like her. Rumors started that I was actually a backdoor drug seller. Somehow word of the rumor got to my parents and they decided that I needed an intervention from my 'evil drug selling ways'. When they first told me that, I nearly burst out into hysterical laughter. For as long as I can remember, I have detested drugs.

Either way mine and Vittoria's parents took us out of school and to a hospital. They had our stomachs pumped and a long-term drug test done. Needless to say, the test turned up clean and when our parents talked to the doctor he said that it was highly unlikely that we had ever taken drugs rather than prescription painkillers. I never actually met the doctor but from what my parents said, he was extremely good looking and he was known all over Italy, England, Australia, Asia, and the United States. My stomach clenched when I thought about who reminded me about that exact profile.

After awhile I got over the fact that he sounded so familiar and Vittoria and I left the hospital with the parents asking for our forgiveness since they didn't trust us.

So tonight I was going over to Vittoria's house for a sleepover. I wasn't sure what was going to happen since I had only been over to her house three or four times. Vittoria's room was completely different from her attitude. Her mother insisted on painting it pink with blue and purple hearts. She said that it added a flare to Vittoria's personality. Vittoria said it added nausea to her increasing life-headache.

The only thing that had me getting a thorn in my side was the rumor that Vittoria did a lot of voodoo and séances. I know that it's hypocritical for me to judge her by the rumors but this one seemed more likely to have some truth behind it. Although Vittoria didn't actually nurse a red vendetta on anyone, I knew for a fact that she did absolutely loathe some people at our school since they found it amusing to tease her about the incident with her father.

I thought about this as I piled into the car with all of my junk and my mom drove me to Vittoria's house. As I got out of the car my mother beckoned me over to the driver's side. She told me to behave myself around Mrs. Leonard (Vittoria's mother). She then kissed me on my cheek and told me to have fun. I took that as my cue to step away from the door. I walked up to the intimidating front door. It was big and it looked like black iron. I wouldn't doubt it. Vittoria lived on one of the oldest lots in the neighborhood. It was from the 1890's.

I couldn't help but feel bad for Vittoria- her mother thought that she had some major anger issues but I knew the truth. She truly hated her mother, but at the same time she pitied her. Vittoria's father committed suicide when she was 9 years old. The only problem is that Vittoria was there when it happened. He killed himself right in front of his daughter. It was the worst thing possible that he could have done. The doctor said that she was so traumatized that she has blocked out all the memories of her father and she can't remember what she saw. That's a good thing, except for the fact that Mrs. Leonard's lawyers believe that Mr. Leonard may have told her where his will was hidden. Vittoria says that her mother has hated her father since he committed the suicide and that the only reason she wants the will is to see what he left for her. It sounded like a juicy plot but all of it disgusted Vittoria. The result of this story- yeah, she has some anger issues.

The worst part for Vittoria is that her mother never sold the house that her father committed the act in. She thinks that if Vittoria is around the room where it happened enough then it will spark a memory and Vittoria will have to tell everyone where the will is. Unfortunately, for now, Mrs. Leonard has all of the possessions of Mr. Leonard- including the house, since the will was never recovered.

I heaved up the huge silver knocker on the door and let it sling back down. It thundered and then ended with a resounding clang. I could hear footsteps rushing to the door before it opened with a groan. Vittori stood there in her black tank top and

a pair of camouflaged Capri's. She smiled at me before letting me pass through the door. I didn't really see the point of me doing this. What did my mother expect us to do anyways? Did she think that we were going to lie around doing truth or dare? Or maybe she thought we would have makeovers or something. Either way, I knew that there was no way that Vittoria had come up with this. I headed up to her room and she motioned for me to put my stuff down. We sat at on her bed and stared at opposite corners off the room. I finally looked up and her eyes flickered up. I gave her a confused look. She sighed.

"My mother wants me to seem normal. She didn't sell the house and that's got the social security system worried about me." I nodded my understanding. I knew that she wanted nothing to do with her mother's scheming. We plopped onto our backs on the bed and fell into silence again.

I started reflecting on Vittoria again. She was always calm about everything. It was a bit unnerving that she always seemed that way. It was then that I had a minor epiphany. Not only did people seem afraid of me because their subconscious told us I was different but I was calm all the time as well. Underneath the surface I was churning with bottled emotions and I was ready to burst, but to everyone else I was emotionless. They could never gage my reactions because I didn't react. They were afraid of us because they thought we were crazy- to them it was as if we could crack at any moment and go on a killing spree. It had been a few days since I had thought about it but that brought it back. The similarities between me and vampires. Just the words 'killing spree' triggered something in me and somehow I knew that it was true. People were seriously afraid of us. In this one instance, ignorance wasn't bliss. They didn't know how we felt- ever and that did not work to their advantage.

Another thing that I liked about Vittori was the fact that she despised boys. She absolutely abhorred them. It was a good thing to because I didn't need any nosey person poking around asking me about my love life. I was lucky that she wasn't a gossip queen like Jessica or Lauren. Of course, there were still people like that out there but I didn't associate myself with those people. Come to think about it I didn't associate myself with anyone rather than Vittoria and my family. I was glad that whenever I seemed off or in my own world my family understood and left me alone. Sometimes I thought that my mother worried about me, but then I would distract her by jumping into a story about Antonio. She loved him so much- she would do anything for him.

I was glad- I held no grudge against her for picking him as her favorite. It was blatantly obvious but I refused to be jealous. I had already had one lifetime of a mother's love. Antonio deserved it more anyway. If I wasn't good enough for _him_ then why should I be good enough for anyone else? I may as well have been worthless.

We may have sat on that bed for a few hours or it could have been a few minutes, but I was starting to feel claustrophobic by just sitting there staring at a corner. I felt like a pathetic animal in a cage who had just given up on trying to escape. I suggested that we get out of the house and go down to the movie rental lace. We ended up getting a horror movie about vampires- go figure.

I sat and watched it- bored with the ludicrous things that video companies came up with in Hollywood. It was odd to see that when I looked over at Vittoria her mouth was open in a horrified O-shape as she watched someone's throat being torn out. She seemed genuinely scared and for a second I wished that I could tell her that there were people out there who were good and they wouldn't hurt her- but then I remembered that even that was a lie because they absolutely could hurt you and, if you gave them the chance, they would probably ripe your heart out just for the fun of it. I shook my head from side to side as if I could physically fling them out of my head.

I looked back at the movie and then all of the sudden I knew that Vittoria trusted me completely. I knew that if anyone else saw her like this then they would use it against her. They would tease her that she couldn't even handle a little blood. If only they knew that I fainted at the smell of blood. Well… technically I had two different reactions to blood that I couldn't control. I would either faint at the smell of the blood or I would become intrigued by it and want to analyze exactly who or what it came from. Maybe the first reaction was a more normal or perhaps I was just going crazy.

Anyway I knew that she trusted me completely because otherwise she wouldn't let me see this side of her. The side that was afraid of death to the point of wearing amulets to protect herself. She was so afraid and I wished that I could help her, but I knew that no matter what I did she would always be afraid.

We shared that- being afraid of death. I was afraid that I wouldn't get another chance at life to be happy and normal without the influence of mythical creatures. I figured that was why Keeper had given me back my mortality- my life. The only reason I could guess was that he thought that I was cheated out of my first life experience. It's either that or I'm missing something huge. Now the only thing I can't figure out is why he would give me back my life if he chose to give me back my memories as well? Why didn't he just clean my soul? What was it that I was missing?

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**What's you're best friends name? Just review and tell me if you want me to use it as a character's name in later chapters.**

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**I would like to put out a public service announcement due to a small piece of content from this chapter:

If you or anyone you know is thinking about commiting suicide- STOP. Think first and talk to someone about it. Contact a relief system and get help!


	8. Please Bear With Me

Hello my faithful readers,

I thank you for being so patient with me, if not, thank you for not sending me hate mail. I'm sorry to say that I haven't updated in a while. I am in the process of writing up a bunch of the next chapters to all of my stories so that I can update a lot more frequently. I will not be updating for about a month. That means that all of my stories will be on halt until about November 20. To all of those people that have been reading my stories, thanks for being there. To those of you who have sent me any mail saying that you will happily take over the stories for me, thanks but for now I'm planning on sticking to writing my own stories. I haven't given up yet. You guys will be the first people I call on if I decide that I am officially quitting on my stories. Please bear with me while everything gets settled, I know that this is probably frustrating, but I'm pretty sure that you guys won't be complaining as soon as the month is up- I have a ton of new ideas but at the same time I have a bit of writers' block when trying to get them all typed out.

Thanks again,

Morgan Brooke

Silver Fire Vampyre


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